invitation. Inviting someone to your house can be a polite formality and learning to read more subtle qeues is needed to know whether an invitation is sincere or not. (For you North Americans saying, "WHAT THE HECK?"....my initial sentiments exactly) A few weeks back a friend invited me to his home. Receiving an invitation, I graciously accepted. My arrival came as a complete surprise to my friend's wife (awkward!). I was served a simple meal that they had not expected to share with their culturally inept acquaintence. It was only recently, after a bit of reflection, did I realize I should not have accepted that invitation. Live and learn, right? So last night I was more than a bit excited when I
successfully navigated a seemingly simple situation. Let me recount my cultural navigation WIN!
A friend of mine has been looking for a new place to live. I had mentioned in passing that I'd help him move if needed, but he assured me he had plenty of help. Then, about 9:30pm, my phone rang. Answering the phone I exchanged some pleasantries with said friend. After asking what I was doing, I got the feeling he didn't have a real reason for calling. This initial assumption was far from the truth. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what he was doing. "Moving", he said. "Oh! Do you need help?" I asked. He assured me that he indeed did not need help. I was close to hanging up after my third "are you sure?" when it dawned on me that his refusals to accept my help
were actually his asking for my help. "No, no, no. It's too much trouble for you to come down and help. It's too late!", he kept saying. ARGH! Indirect communication! These were the facts. 9:30pm phone call. No other reason to call. In the middle of moving. I had offered......OF COURSE! I thought. He's calling to to ask my help without actually asking for my help. I put my shoes on and headed downstairs. It took all of twenty minutes at which point my friend spent several minutes apologizing for troubling me so much. "No trouble!", I kept responding.
It really was no trouble. What was troubling to my American senses was indirect communication. Our logic tells us that if I don't want you to come to my house, I'm definitely not going to invite you. If I need your help moving, I'll simply ask
a favor. Communication like I experienced last night can FEEL disingenuous and even manipulative in my own home culture. I had honestly never thought of myself as an especially direct person, but here I often find myself wanting to just say it like it is. I'm slowly (VERY SLOWLY it seems) comprehending the intracies of cultures that communicate indirectly, with issues of saving face and courtesy. Sometimes saying it like it is could be most offensive to the sensibilites of those around me. Let me be clear. I'm not criticizing. I'm simply hoping to convey the potential for miscommunication that come when trying to live appropriately in a culture different from my own. What I'm especially thankful for, though, are a few local friends adept at giving honest, albeit indirect, feedback. In their own way they politely say, "Yeah. You screwed that one up, Shellenbarger!" I'm sure it won't be my last, either...
Comments are espeically welcomed on this one.